A Valentine’s Day Gift

As I post this, the one year “anniversary” of Steve’s death is happening two days from now on February 16th. This will (thankfully) be the last of the “firsts” without him: first birthdays; wedding anniversary; Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years Day, Valentine’s Day, etc. But on this Valentine’s Day, I just have to share this with you….

We didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day last year. As toxins built up in his body from failed kidneys, Steve became less and less lucid. He increasingly mostly just laid in bed staring off into the distance. The Hospice nurse said he was actually sleeping with his eyes open—not uncommon at end-of-life, she said.

But the night before Valentine’s Day, all of a sudden he became really restless, agitated. I called the Hospice night nurse. When she came, she took one look at him and motioned me to the kitchen. She said he was exhibiting “terminal agitation” indicating that the end was near. And it was time to start giving him morphine. She began filling little syringes (without needles) and lining them up with a schedule to administer by mouth. Once he was on morphine, his lucid moments were almost non-existent, although we did manage to have a brief call with his son in New Jersey. Turned out that was about a half hour before he died—it was the last thing he did.

So there was no exchange of Valentines. The last card he gave me was for our 40th wedding anniversary a few weeks before. He always gave me the most beautiful cards with the most meaningful sentiments inside. But by our anniversary, he was bedridden and unable to get to a store. I don’t know how he got card stock or a pen, but with shaky hands, he hand made a card for me. It was beautiful in its simplicity and its message—that we had gone through our life together “holding hands,” loving and supporting each other as one or both of us faced a challenge:

Needless to say, I was deeply moved. It’s one of my absolute treasures. Even in his discomfort and his uncertainty about what was next for him, he took the time and expended the energy to give me an anniversary gift, to tell me he loved me.

So I have a Valentine’s Day gift for you—a suggestion….

After Steve died, my sister Kathy told me, “You did the best you could” (like during home Hospice). Without thinking. I immediately responded, “No, I actually did a REALLY good job.” During the three weeks of Hospice and the last months of his life, I had done EVERYTHING I possibly could to support and help him. I had absolutely no regrets of “I should have….”

But immediately after he died, I realized I had a regret. I sat there by his bedside, holding his hand and crying, even wailing at times, and I found myself wishing I had held his hand more while he was alive, while we walked down the street together, while sitting in a restaurant together, while in a movie theater watching a movie—those times when you think you have all the time in the world to be together.

So this is my suggestion to you: if you have a Valentine, make it a point to have every day be Valentine’s Day. Hold hands more, give hugs and kisses for no reason at all, buy flowers or a box of chocolates or whatever “just because.”

And if you don’t have an “official” Valentine, adopt one. Maybe a dear friend, an elderly family member or neighbor, whomever. Or maybe do my never-ending suggestion: Do a random act of kindness for somebody—especially somebody you don’t know. Every day.

In my spiritual belief system, Source/God is a God of love (not vengeance, not fire and brimstone). And thus Oneness at its most basic and fundamental is about love. So why not express that love in some way every single day you walk this planet?

So Happy Valentine’s Day! Love and virtual Valentine hugs from me to all of you.

🥰🥰🥰🤗🤗🤗