We all feel down and sad sometimes. But when it persists most days for two weeks or more, and it interferes with normal, everyday activities, it might be depression. Several sources say that 20-30% of the population is dealing with depression. It can happen to anybody regardless of how successful or moneyed they are. In fact, many celebrities have publicly shared about dealing with depression at some point in their lives, including Jim Carrey, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Ben Affleck, Jon Hamm, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, J.K. Rowling, Michelle Obama, and even “The Boss” Bruce Springsteen.
There are actually many types of depression that run the gamut from transient and/or short term with a specific trigger (for example, seasonal affective disorder, pre-natal or post-partum, PMDD—severe PMS, or dysthymia—low-grade persistent depression), to the more severe, longer-term types (bipolar disorder, psychotic depression, or “clinical depression”). Treatment can range from psychotherapy and/or medication up to electric shock therapy for severe cases.
But the most common type is “situational depression”—officially one of several “adjustment disorders”—that’s connected to a specific stressor or traumatic event (death of a loved one, a relationship breakup, financial challenges, an environmental disaster, or receiving a serious medical diagnosis), and is relatively short-term.
According to my grief counselor, I’m currently dealing with situational depression associated with Steve’s death. To better understand it, I went online and consulted with Dr. Google. Maybe this learning will be useful to you too …
So what exactly does situational depression look like?
[NOTE: My diagnosis was made by my therapist pursuant to official diagnostic standards. This blog post is not intended to diagnosis or prescribe treatment, nor to enable self diagnose. I’m just providing what I’ve learned generally about situational depression and how I’m dealing with it. If you personally have concerns in this domain, consider consulting with your doctor or a therapist.]
Symptoms of situational depression can include:
– Anger
– Appetite changes
– Constant fear or worry
– Difficulty carrying out tasks
– Difficulty concentrating
– Difficulty sleeping
– Frequent crying
– Restlessness
– Loss of interest in normal activities
– Overwhelm
– Feelings of stress or anxiety
– Sadness
– Feelings of hopelessness
– Irritability
– Loneliness or social isolation
– Trouble making decisions
– Body aches or soreness
Yep. I can check off a lot—if not all—of those things happening to me at one time or another over these past seven months since Steve died.
So how to deal with it all?
Many sources suggest what seem to be the standard practices recommended to deal with a lot of what ails us: meditation, better diet and sleep, exercise, spending time in nature, journaling, taking up a new hobby, don’t isolate, etc.
In a way, these “by rote” suggestions make me a bit angry because that’s all easier said than done given that I’m often in overwhelm, my ability to concentrate is diminished, my sleep and appetite are erratic, I have physical issues that preclude exercising, and being with people can be absolutely draining for an introvert like me.
If, as experts say, everyone’s path through the grieving process is unique, then maybe the path through depression can be too. Yes, I’m taking baby steps towards a healthy diet. And I’ve taken up a new hobby—using Duolingo to learn Scottish Gaelic for my someday trip to the Scottish Highlands. I participate in a weekly Zoom writing group—just the right amount of socializing right now. And since three people over two days have suggested meditation to me, maybe I’ll relent and try it. But doing these things is challenging and often exhausting.
So I’ve also developed other strategies that help me feel better. For example, it helps me if I can feel a sense of accomplishment, even if short-lived—to get up off my butt and do something, even if it’s just doing some laundry. I also limit watching the always-upsetting TV news. And as much as I like doing paint by number kits, they’re too challenging for me right now. So I’ve gone back to using my favorite Prismacolor markers to color the Celtic knots I design—actually a form of meditation for me.
But I had the thought: maybe this is where Oneness can come in: actually living Oneness by practicing Kindness/Self-Kindness and Connection—two Oneness practices I’ve talked about a lot in these blog posts. And for me, Self-Kindness right now includes connecting with and talking to a “committed listener” (in addition to my therapist) who provides support by listening without judgement, and without making what they think are helpful suggestions, AKA telling me what I should do. (Yes, I know. People mean well. But it doesn’t always help.)
Talking about problems is not complaining. Rather, psychological and neuroscience research shows that talking about our problems can be profoundly healing, both emotionally and physically. By verbalizing our emotions we activate the language part of the brain instead of the part of the brain that triggers the stress-inducing, fight-or-flight reaction.
So if you’re dealing with depression (or big problems in general), consider identifying and talking to a committed listener. Conversely, if there’s someone you know and care about who’s going through a rough time, I suggest you give them the space to talk—just listen without throwing platitudes at them, and without telling them what they should do. Maybe say things like the following—and then just listen:
“How can I best support you right now?”
“You’re not alone. I’m here for you.”
“It may be hard to believe right now, but the way you’re feeling will change.”
“Please tell me what I can do now to help you.”
“Even if I’m not able to understand exactly how you feel, I care about you and want to help.”
Please do NOT say things like:
“This is all in your head”
“Everyone goes through tough times.”
“Try to look on the bright side.”
“You should feel grateful for all the good things in your life.”
“Just snap out of it.”
“You should be feeling better by now.”
I can attest that hearing things like this can only make the depression worse. And bear in mind that if you ask what you can do to help, they may not be able to identify or articulate what they need. So consider making a few suggestions of what you could do to support them but, again, don’t tell them what they should do.
On the flip side, the committed listener is given the opportunity to practice Kindness—which always feels good.
Luckily, I have at least two committed listeners—and I can attest that it helps A LOT! And sometimes it helps to just chat about everyday stuff with them to relieve some of the isolation.
Lastly, it’s important to remember that it’s OK to not feel OK. In fact, some researchers and therapists say that depression can actually have some beneficial effects. It can prompt us to look inward with enhanced critical thinking—enabling us to focus on the most important issues so we can work our way through them. Researchers also posit that physical symptoms—like lack of energy—are actually the body joining forces with the mind to keep the focus on dealing with our problems by lessening distractions. I find this view of depression to be fascinating—the miracle of us as holistic beings.
So while depression can be treated with meds and psychotherapy, I firmly believe it can also be treated with Kindness/Self-Kindness—by connecting with a committed listener and simply talking/listening.
Kindness and Connection. Ultimately, I think these two practices will help us heal Humanity’s wounds like racism, intolerance, and so much more.
Kindness and Connection. Or in Scottish Gaelic: caoimhneas agus ceangel. (And I’m not even going to attempt to pronounce that!)
P.S. I’m finding it hard to concentrate enough to even do some of my favorite distractions like reading or crafting. So I’ve found other things that help as distractions when needed. Like binge-watching TV—adding subscriptions to Netflix and BritBox (eight seasons of “Shetland”!). Because sometimes we just need to get away from it all and simply do what feels good vs. doing what’s good for us (like meditation or eating kale😁).
P.P.S. For my readers who are psychotherapists, please excuse any inaccuracies in the above. I did the best I could to distill what I read in my research. If I wrote something you think is egregiously inaccurate, please correct it in Comments.
Some of my colored Celtic knots: (I’m sorry they were photographed a bit crooked)
Footnotes:
I apologize but I don’t have the patience right now to do careful citations. But these are the primary online articles I read—from the titles, it’s pretty easy to identify the source of specific content in the above blog post:
“Types of Depression and How to Recognize Them,” by Debra Fulghum Bruce, PhD and Angela McPhillips, medically reviewed by Jabeen Begum, MD, WebMD
“Why Talking About Our Problems Makes Us Feel Better,” by Diane E Dreher Ph.D., Psychology Today
“What Is Situational Depression?” by Kara Mayer Robins, medically reviewed by Smitha Bhandari, MD,, WebMD
”3 Good Things About Depression—Maybe our depression is telling us what we need to do most,” by Robert Taibbi L.C.S.W., Psychology Today
“Situational Depression vs. Clinical Depression: How Can You Tell the Difference?” by Jerry Kosmin, Malvern Behavioral Health
”Adjustment Disorders,” Cleveland Clinic
”Sadness and Depression,” CDC (U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention)
Your Path to Oneness 