Even More Forgiveness

After writing my previous blog series, I observe that my “rough edges” have softened. I tend to be a lot kinder and compassionate, less judgmental, and more understanding and forgiving of others (although yes, I still mumble profanity at tailgaters when I’m driving). But recently I realized there was something I was NOT practicing: Self-Forgiveness. Maybe this isn’t an issue for you but if it is, read on …

These days I’m not my usual clear thinking, responsible self. In the weeks since Steve died I’m making more mistakes, having some things fall through the cracks, forgetting things, procrastinating more, and not keeping up with house stuff—all waaay more than I’m used to or comfortable with.

Unfortunately, some of this could affect my relationships with others and my well being:

• I forget that others are also dealing with challenging issues that I should ask about instead of having our conversations be all about me, me, me.
• I haven’t yet set up all my medical appointments that had to be put off while we concentrated on Steve’s situation.
• I’m not completing the downsizing purging projects I started so there are piles of “stuff” all over the house—it’s a mess. Terrible energy to live in!

This is why Self-Forgiveness is recently an issue for me: given the above “transgressions” (and more) I started beating myself up with a lot of those pesky “I should …” thoughts. Until I reminded myself that I’m dealing with a huge loss, recuperating from months of extreme stress and upset, and now trying to design a new life for myself. I realized that I needed to cut myself some slack.

At the same time, I realized that although I have a visible physical challenge (I need a knee replacement and often rely on a cane to walk), nobody who sees me out and about can see the invisible challenge I’m dealing with—grief.

And something I said back in my original Forgiveness post popped into my mind:

“At any given time, everybody is doing the best they can given who they are and what they know at that time.”

Including me. And including you.

But now, as a result of my past few weeks and months of stress and upset, loss and grieving—and a bum knee—I realize there has to be an expansion of the above statement:

“At any given time, everybody is doing the best they can given who they are and what they know at that time, what they’re dealing with in life, and what internal battles they’re fighting that you can’t see.”

And I think this can apply to all of us because even if you’re not dealing with big personal issues, there’s A LOT of upsetting stuff going on around us:

• the national and global chaos
• the suffering of so many people, animals, and the planet because of war, intolerance, abuse, etc.
• what appears to be not only extreme levels of greed and corruption but the injustice of the apparent lack of accountability
• and a lot, lot more.

Given all of that, it’s understandable that many—if not most—of us may be distracted, making mistakes, being impatient with others, and having temper flares. In other words, doing things we may beat ourselves up for. I know that’s true for me. But…

Maybe it’s time for me to forgive myself for being a perfectly imperfect human being. Maybe it’s time for you to forgive yourself as well.

Maybe it’s time for me to be as kind, understanding, compassionate, and forgiving towards my Self as I try to be towards others. Maybe it’s time for you to do the same.

And maybe it’s time to be even more forgiving of others. To use the expanded forgiveness “guideline” above as a kind of mantra when somebody angers, hurts, or annoys us, or when we see others doing “unforgivable” things:

“At any given time, everybody is doing the best they can
given who they are,
what they know at that time,
what they’re dealing with in life,
and what internal battles they’re fighting that I can’t see.”

For ourselves, we can just stop after the first line:

“Right now, I’m doing the best I can.”

At the very least, forgiving ourselves and others for being perfectly imperfect human beings can maybe bring some measure of peace, increased energy, and resilience to deal with all that other sh*t going on around us. And it can expand our overall capacity to practice Compassion.

Hmmm, Self-Compassion. Maybe the topic of another post here as we go forward.

BTW—Sociologist Brene Brown has an analogous saying about doing the best we can: “Good enough is good enough.” So my house may be messy right now, but it’s piles of papers, books, and crafting supplies NOT dirty dishes attracting little critters. And right now, this is good enough for me.

BTW2: I don’t think forgiving precludes accountability—when appropriately implemented.